My Husband Talks!!

A common complaint from my married women friends is that their husbands don’t talk to them. This is a complaint I have a hard time relating to because my husband does talk to me. Not very often, but he does talk.

There is one phenomenon that I do share with other wives. Without exception, the husbands I know don’t talk to each other. Time and again, the reports we get when two men spend an afternoon together amaze us. “How’s Bill?” we ask. “Fine.” “Anything new?” “I don’t think so.” We want to yell, “What do you mean you don’t think so! You just spent four hours with Bill.” I don’t yell, though. I’m used to this now.

Can you just imagine if this conversation happened instead?

“How’s Bill?”
“Pretty good. He’s really under pressure at work.”
“Oh yah? How come?”
“He just can’t seem to get anything right with his new boss.”

Wouldn’t you be floored if your husband knew anything as intimate as this seemingly benign information gained in conversation with his friend? If I were talking with my sister about her friend, even someone I haven’t even met, this dialogue would only be the teaser to get us going. And of course, we would also decide what she should do about her boss.

Maybe that’s why we’re disappointed when our husbands don’t have anything to tell us. We miss the soap opera experience. It’s not that we really care about what’s happening – we just want to weigh in and make sure the world is acting according to our standards.

The phenomenon of male to male talk is fascinating. We really wonder what they do talk about. It can’t all be football. Or garden tractors. Maybe they talk about their health.

“God, my irritable bowel syndrome is really acting up.”
“I sure wish I could take Levetra. I just get a headache.”
“Find any good rash cream lately?”

The most extreme example of the mystery of male-to-male communication is when one or the other of them is experiencing an “event.” The event can be good or bad, major or minor, permanent or temporary, theirs or others. We learn nothing.

“How’s Bill?”
“Pretty good.”
“How’s the divorce going?”
“OK I guess.”
“He didn’t say anything?”

We already know that Melanie got the house in Florida and the pool boy got fired. We really don’t care about how this all turns out. We just wanted to hear what Bill thinks of the whole thing so we can start talking again.

I did say that my husband talks to me. In fact, it happened just last night. (The last time this happened was a while ago, so this was remarkable.) It went like this:

“What a lot of crap. We really should change the station. They call this the news?”

And later (not exactly talking to me), “Buy an A you idiot. An A!”

Still later to me and Pat and Vanna: “It’s the Canary Islands. The CANARY ISLANDS!”

By the way, his conversations with me are certainly not all angry. “She’s really pretty,” he tells me about Jamie Lee Curtis’ picture in an ad on TV to save some lions.

I’ve made this observation: Men are most comfortable talking to those who cannot talk back. (What a surprise). Example: He talks to the dogs all the time.

I just wish he’d stop talking when I’m watching MY shows. How else will I learn about a good marriage if not from Dr. Phil?


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